5 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SELF-LOVE

"There is a Divine and Infinite potential within every soul, an intimate access to the mind of God and the passion of the Universe."
~ K. Allen Kay

"I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being."
~ Hafiz

"To be beautiful means to be yourself.  You don't need to be accepted by others.  You need to accept yourself."
~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Improving one's self-esteem takes great determination and effort initially, but it gets easier and easier, and before you know it, you will be living the life that you deserve. It is well worth the effort.

"We are each gifted in a unique and important way.  It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light."
~ Mary Dunbar

"When people believe in themselves, they have the first secret of success."
~ Norman Vincent Peale

"Yours is the energy that makes your world.  There are no limitations to the self, except those you believe in."
~ Jane Roberts

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem consists of many concepts of the self, but mainly one's self-respect, self-confidence and self-worth.   It comes from the inner belief of oneself and not the egoistic feeling of superiority.  In fact, we all possess an inferiority complex, some to more of a degree than others, which we try to hide by making ourselves seem superior to others.  This is of the ego, and not of an inner belief.

Self-respect is the respect one shows oneself by having one's needs met.  The ability to assertively say no, when something is not beneficial to us.  Taking care of one's body and mind correctly by exercising, eating correctly, adequate rest, and stimulating the mind, etc.   By not allowing others to use or abuse us.

Self-confidence is the feeling of being content and accepting of the way that one looks and appears to others. This, however, does not depend on what others say or think about one, but rather how one perceives oneself in this reality, irrelevant of compliments or criticism.  Princess Diana was a perfect example of someone with healthy self-confidence.  Possessing good self-confidence does not, however, mean that one has good self-esteem.

Self-worth is a sense of feeling worthy of ones values and beliefs.  If a person has good values and stands up for these values, no matter what, they feel worthy of the beliefs they have about themselves.   To have good values, but to crack under strain, and give in to the beliefs of others is to not feel that ones values and beliefs are worthy.

Healthy self-esteem is a combination of these three, and many more, within the eight different areas of our lives.  The different areas are:  Health; wealth; family and friends;  playtime, hobbies and fun;  relationships;  career or job;  personal space;  contribution/spirituality.

Some people may have great self-esteem within their work life, but struggle in their relationships with others, for example.  The idea is to have a balance of good self-esteem in all the areas.

How do I improve my self-esteem?

Do these exercises consistently and with determination:

• The first thing you need to do is straighten up that body of yours to match the new and confident you. 

Push your shoulders back and down; pull your abdomen and buttocks in. Pull your neck and chin in. 

(Much like those horses that do dressage... have you noticed how regal they look?) Do it now! Feel how important and good you feel about yourself already. Make a determined effort to keep your body straight at all times. If you lapse and forget, no problem, just straighten up again and feel the difference.

Remember, if you look like a ball... people will kick you. If you look like a question mark... people will question everything you say.

• Recognise your negative self-talk monster. 

You know, the one that keeps telling you that you look too fat, or too ugly, or that you will fail at everything you do. Become aware of and write down what he/she says. Immediately change his/her words to a positive affirmation regarding the subject at hand. Eg. You may say 'I am successful at everything I do.' 

(Remember that Thomas Edison went through 10,000 ways to invent the light bulb before he found the one that worked).

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

~ Thomas A. Edison

• Surround yourself with positive people and positive things. 

Read inspirational quotes and affirmations. Watch inspirational videos and attend motivational talks. There is more free material on the the internet than you could ever get through. You may want to join my page on Facebook: 

http://www.facebook.com/LIFEMATTERSPERSONALLIFECOACHING

Spend time in nature. Perceiving the beauty around you helps you to see the beauty within you.

• Make a list of your positive attributes; your achievements; your talents; and even the compliments.

Stand in front of a mirror and read this list aloud, as if you really believe these affirmations to be true. If it feels funny, laugh... It will put you in a positive mindset and help you to attract more positivity into your life. Do this every morning and evening, or more often, if you can.  If it feels like a lie, don't worry... with enough determination and will, it will soon become the truth.

• Make a list of all the things you are grateful for.

(Take into consideration the fact that there are many people who don't have a roof over their heads or even a little food to eat.) Read this list every morning and during the day, whenever you feel stressed or negative.  Being appreciative of the things around us helps us to become more appreciative of ourselves.  

Your results will be determined by the effort you exert and the will to succeed.

Please join my blog and let me know what other subjects you would like me to cover.  Questions and emails are welcome.

         

Love, light and abundance ♥ 

ARE YOU BEING ABUSED OR BULLIED?

What is abuse?

Abuse comes in many forms.  Physical, sexual and emotional abuse are the most common types.

The saddest thing about abuse it that it is most often inflicted by family members.  These are people that we rely on and trust.  That makes it so much harder.  This often breaks our trust in society, as how can we trust strangers when our loved ones can't be trusted to treat us with love and respect.

Emotional Incest

A very common form of abuse is Emotional Incest.  In this case the mother or father tries to turn the child against the other parent, by making the child scared of the other parent, or just by constantly breaking the other parent down with nasty words.  A milder form of this abuse is when a divorced parent keeps the child away from the other parent, or limits visitation, in order to exert control over the other parent.  This may be due to anger towards the other parent, or feelings of inferiority and thus feeling the need to control others.  One only has a need to control others when one feels inadequate oneself.   It thus boils down to low self-esteem.

What these parents don't realise is that they are actually doing the child more harm than they are doing the other parent.  The child feels torn between the two parents, and is often not emotionally ready to handle these emotions.  The child often feels rejection and neglect; that they have done something bad to deserve being kept from the other one.  Children are highly prone to blaming themselves for what us adults do.

Emotional  Abuse

Most emotional abuse is not intentional.   It is usually the result of the abuser having low feelings of self-worth. People in this position, often mistakenly think that by breaking down another person, they will feel more superior and thus more worthy.   They often find someone close to to use as an emotional punching bag to release their frustration at feeling no control. Unfortunately, this is not true, as they do themselves more damage subconsciously, and sometimes on a conscious level too.   Feelings of guilt are very damaging to one's self-worth.   Incidents in the abuser's life that have not been dealt with appropriately can trigger off these feelings of low self-worth.  It could be the loss of a loved one;  or that the victim has suffered the same controlling and emotional abusive treatment by someone else.   The abuser feels a sense of not being in control and thus exerts control and emotional abuse on others.

An abuser will never single out a confident, strong-willed person for abuse, unless the person is someone that is reliant on the abuser, or the abuser trusts the person.   Confident people talk and fight back and don't tolerate such behaviour over a long term.  They are assertive and stand up for themselves.  They target people who are passive, submissive and have low self-esteem.   In children, this low self-esteem, shows itself in the child not feeling a sense of belonging anywhere.   A sense of not knowing who they are and where they belong.   Many children become rebellious and run away from home.  They sometimes create outrageous images for themselves, such as weird hairstyles, piercings, etc, to create an identity for themselves.  These things make them very easy targets for abuse.  It is much like shouting out to the world, "I have low self-esteem!"

The abuser singles out people like this and weakens them still further by insulting them;  making remarks about them being a losers or a failures.  Since the victim is already in a state of negativity towards himself and the world, he or she believes what the abuser says;  and levels of self-esteem drop even further.  This ensures that the victim, on some level of consciousness, believes that he or she deserves this kind of treatment.  The victim thus doesn't tell anyone, as he or she is ashamed of him or herself.  The abuser cuts the victim off from family and friends that could possibly make the victim feel good about him or herself again, by turning the victim against these people.

This kind of abuse is most common in relationships between parents and children, siblings and partners/spouses.  It is more difficult for the victim to realise that he or she is being abused because they feel that the abuser loves them and wishes for them to be happy.

In a healthy relationship, two people can tell each other what they do and don't like about the each others behaviour in a constructive manner.  Eg.  I don't like it when you don't offer to help with household tasks.  This gives the other person the chance to look at his or her behaviour and maybe compromise to make both parties happy.  This is criticising the behaviour, and not the person.  It is not healthy when one party calls the other by names, thus criticising the person.  Eg.  You are a failure, you never do anything right.  This just breaks down the person and says nothing of the behaviour.  It is therefore abusive.

Emotional abuse makes the victim feel disempowered, emotional, a lack of control, inferior, a failure, rejected, incapable of attaining their dreams, unworthy of love and approval.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is when a child or adult is beaten into submission.  This type of abuse doesn't start off with physical beatings.  The abuser always chooses someone that he or she thinks is weaker or smaller than him or herself.   A child that doesn't have a strong will, or sense of what is right and wrong;  children, teenagers and adults that don't have good confidence.

The abuser uses emotional abuse to first break down the victim emotionally.  Once the abuser is sure that the victim is broken down, they proceed to physical abuse.   They feel safe that the victim will not seek help or leave.  Afterall, they have instilled a belief in the victim's mind:  "Who would want you, only I am willing to put up with rubbish like you."

Have you ever wondered why women that are beaten badly stay with their partners?   Their self-esteem is so low that they think they are not worthy of being treated decently.  The abuser often apologises, cries and seems to feel tremendous remorse,  and makes the victim think that he or she caused them to treat them in that manner.

This cycle often continues for many years.  Sometimes the victim is so badly injured that he or she is hospitalised, but still remains with the abusive partner.  Often women are dishonest and say they are being beaten, when in fact they are not.  A women that is being beaten by her husband is scared of him and will jump to please him whenever he wants something.  She will be very careful of what she says around him for fear of being beaten when they arrive home.  This continues until, in some cases, the victim is killed, or the victim finds courage and a life line somewhere.

Children are often too afraid to speak out.  The abuser threatens them with more abuse, or the abuse of another loved one.  It could be a smaller child, or mother.  These children most often start bullying other children at school, to feel some power in a world where they feel powerless.   It is a vicious cycle, that often results in abuse of drugs, alcohol and violent treatment of others.

Neglect

This type of abuse is usually to children.  Parents withhold food, security, stimulation, and other necessary items from their children.  Sometimes in the form of punishment and sometimes due to just not caring.  A child that is raised this way often thinks that he or she has done something to deserve this kind of neglect and there is no security or love in the world.

Bullying

Many parents bully their children, by calling them 'babies' if they cry... this usually happens to boys.  Very controlling parents can also make their children feel bullied and powerless.

Children who are bullied usually bully other children to release frustration and feel some power over somebody else.

Teachers also sometimes bully children by making fun of them in front of their peers.  This kind of bullying makes the child feel worthless.

There are many more types of abuse, but these five are the most commonly used.  If you feel you are being abused in any of these forms, please seek immediate support.  Even emotional abuse is highly traumatic, and remaining in such a situation will cause more and more harm to you.

A good thing to remember is that every abuser has been abused at some time or other and therefore feels the need to exert control and power over others.  This could have been in the form of being bullied.  Don't stay by and take it!  Do something about it!  Talk to someone you can trust!

Please read my other posts that will be helpful in dealing with abuse:
Passive, Aggressive or Assertive?
5 Ways To Improve Your Self-Esteem
2 Wolves... Which One To Feed?
How To Change To A Positive Mindset
1 Enemy To Avoid

Please feel free to email me or comment.

Love, light and abundance ♥

7 QUALITIES OF A GOOD FRIENDSHIP/INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP

What is friendship?

The essence of friendship is the same as in any other type of close relationship.  It requires the same things:  commitment, responsiblity, trust, honesty, forgiveness, courage, respect, sincerity, patience, an open mind and faith.  True friendship is a very rewarding relationship, and necessary for successful romantic relationships.

There is a huge difference between acquaintances and true friends.  We even have specific friends that we only share specific things with.  Maybe you have an action friend that you do things like sports with, or hiking, etc, but you don't share everything with that friend.

"Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll tell you what thy art."
~ Miquel de Cervantes

As James Allen says, we attract what we are.  If you have good friends, then you are doing something right.  If you have bad friends, you need to look within yourself to see what it is that is attracting them into your life, and take steps to change that.  If you don't have any true friends, then maybe you have problems committing yourself to any kind of relationship.   You might not have the courage to maintain any kind of relationship with anyone, since all relationships have conflict at some time or another.  If not, we would not be our true selves, but be dancing to the tune of someone else.  We have to communicate what we would like from our friendship, and what we don't like.  To do this we must be able to be honest with the person and trust that they are truly our friends.  Honesty, faith and trust require great courage.  Standing up for yourself and your friends, and thus risking conflict (which nobody likes), requires courage.

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere.  Before him I may think aloud."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage.  When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know."
~  Ralph Waldo Emerson

True friendship is the freedom to be yourself.  To be accepted as you are.  To be able to say what is on your mind without  fear of being rejected.  To be respected for being open and honest.  To be allowed your opinion, even if it is not agreed upon or favoured by the other person.  A good friend might not always agree with you, or think you are doing the right thing, but he or she will accept that you have made the decision that you feel is right for you, respect you and your decision, and support you.

"The only reward of virtue is virtue;  the only way to have a friend is to be one."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If we cannot love ourselves, we can not love anyone else.   If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot really respect another.  If you cannot accept yourself, you cannot accept others.  Just the same, if we cannot be a good friend to ourselves, we cannot be a good friend to someone else.

"When we seek to discover the best in others,
we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."
~ William Arthur Ward

Commitment and Responsibility

Being a good friend requires commitment.  It means that you are a friend through sunshine and rain.... through good times and bad.   That you are always there, just as you would always like your friend to be there for you.  It is not a one-sided relationship where you only remember your friend when you are in need.  You must  be there for your friends when they are in need of a shoulder too.  Real friends are responsible for being the best kind of friend they can be.   Commitment requires being responsible for your actions and for doing the best you can do.

Honesty and Trust

In friendship, just as in any other relationships, honesty is of utmost importance.  Honesty forms a bond of trust and sharing.  A real friend will always tell the truth and never lie, even if it hurts.  Where dishonesty prevails, there will be no trust.  No relationship can thrive without trust.  Be truthful and trust that your friend will love you no matter what you say or do.   Trust that your friend will help and support you.   If you cannot be honest with your friend then you do not trust your friend.  A friendship cannot be based on this.   You need to be able to trust that your friend has your best interests at heart.  If you take disagreement as a personal insult then you will never be able to forge good relationships, since all relationships have disagreements.  What a boring world this would be if we were all the same and all had the same opinions.  I suggest you learn to love yourself so that you can see that a difference of opinion is healthy.  It helps us to see things from a different perspective than our own, and sometimes shows us things we would not have thought of otherwise.  Please see these posts for assistance in this area:  5 Ways To Improve Your Self-Esteem and How to change to a positive mindset.

Respect

We all have different opinions and beliefs, and we often disagree with other people.  A friend does not have to agree with what you say or do, and may voice his or her opinion.   This is freedom to be an individual, which is a requirement of any relationship.   You must, however, accept that your friend has a right to his or her own opinion, and respect that.   A real friend may not agree with you about a particular aspect, but he or she has the right to tell you so and will support you no matter what you decide, whether he or she likes it or not.  Such a friendship shows unconditional love and acceptance.

Forgiveness

We all have all the tools for perfection within ourselves, but as long as we are here on earth, we have not yet discovered them.  We are presented with lessons to help us discover and use these tools to gain perfection.  We thus all make 'mistakes' and do things we regret, no exception.  Friendship requires forgiveness, when we make these 'mistakes'.  If we learn from them then we are growing, and so our relationships will grow.  If we can't understand that others have a right to make mistakes, then we cannot forgive.   Forgiveness is necessary for maintaining any relationship, and a good friend will not be lost due to a misunderstanding or small conflict.

Listening

Listening is a skill that improves with practice.  We need to be able to listen well and not interrupt.  This shows consideration for our friend.  The friend will feel that they are important enough to deserve your full attention.  This strengthens the bond between you and your friend.

Encouragement

We all go through periods that we feel down, depressed and lacking motivation.  A good friend will go out of their way to encourage you to do things that make you feel better.   A good friend will want you to feel better, and although he or she shows you sympathy, he or she will not feel so sorry for you that you feel more self-piteous.  Helping someone deeper into the self-pity pit is not in their best interests, and thus not a good friendship trait.  Sometimes what we really need is someone to wake us up from this self-defeating behaviour.

Fun

A good friend is not only for the bad times... Good friends share the good times too.   They do things together and laugh together.   They have fun together.  Remember that laughter is the best medicine.  Good friends can be themselves totally without feeling silly.   Good friends do silly, crazy things together, and love it.

A true friend will always possess these seven characteristics and often more.  If you want to have good friends, you must be a good friend by having these qualities.  Get to work on these qualities because they will enrich all your relationships and therefore your life.

Please feel free to comment or email me.

Love, light and abundance ♥

This blog is a dedication to my two best friends who are the best friends anyone could ever have.  I am eternally grateful for their wonderful friendship.

1 ENEMY TO AVOID

Is self-pity crippling you?  Self-pity is probably one of the most controversial subjects to deal with, but it is vitally necessary.  People don't want to admit to being self-piteous, but unfortunately we all suffer from it, to different degrees, at some stage or another.  Reading about it can help you to become aware of it, and you can thus take steps to gain control of it.

The self-pity pit must be the absolute worst place for anyone to be, yet it is much easier to stay there than it is to crawl out of it.  The great thing is that once you have crawled out of it, it becomes easier the next time round.  You feel more empowered, and eventually you might only tip your big toe into the pit before becoming aware of it and stopping yourself.

"What poison is to food, self-pity is to life."
~ Oliver C. Wilson

"Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do any wise in this world."
~ Helen Keller
(Helen Keller was born blind, deaf and dumb, but overcame all these obstacles with her positive attitude and started the first school for the blind, deaf and dumb. She could never have achieved her goals if she had just sat around feeling sorry for herself.)

"Self-pity is one of the most dangerous forms of self-centredness.  It fogs our vision."
~ Anonymous

"Despair is the absolute extreme of self-love.
It is reached when a man deliberately
turns his back on all help from anyone else
in order to taste the rotten luxury
of knowing himself to be lost."
~ Thomas Morton

"Self-pity is a death that has no resurrection,
a sinkhole from which no rescuing hand can drag you
because you have chosen to sink."
~ Elizabeth Elliot

I have personally experienced the deepest depths of that self-pity pit.  I spent most of my  life there.  It just seemed easier, but it brought me even more misery.

The story I tell today is very different, but this was my story:

I was sexually abused from the age of four until I was about seven.  (I didn't tell anyone until I was seventeen years old.)  By six years of age, it was time to go to school.  School was far away, so that meant attending boarding school and only going home for holidays, which meant three times a year.  At boarding school there are no mothers to nurture one.  I quickly learnt to adapt or die.

I grew up thinking of myself as dirty and soiled, deserving of abuse, thinking that everyone else also saw me that way.  I felt horribly sorry for myself.  Fortunately nobody else felt sorry for me, or it could have been worse.

With my extremely low self-esteem, I approached my teenage years with rebellion and tried to fit in with the children that were the same.  Those lost souls with no direction, but yearning for acceptance anywhere they could get it.

My father was a very strict and principled man, and wanted the best for us.  He was prepared to do whatever it took to make us into valuable, successful adults and to protect us from drugs, alcohol and the other evils of the world.  I hated him at that time, but when I was seventeen, I thanked him for the great effort he had made, rather than taking the easy way and allowing us to do what we wanted to do, right or wrong.  This was my first lesson pertaining to the phrase, "you have to be cruel, to be kind".

By sixteen we had moved to the coast, and I went to a new school.   The history teacher once said to me that I have immense potential, and that I was hiding it from the world.  Simple as this seems... this was all the faith I needed to get into action and turn my life around.  I started working harder and reaping the rewards.

My music teacher often told me that I must stop being a mat and allowing people to walk over me.  She was the person that helped me lay the foundation to becoming assertive.  It took many years, but she made me realise that I had the courage to do it.

I spent the next ten years being controlled by others and enduring emotional abuse.  I had no direction, just did what I could to maintain peace and to make everyone else around me happy.  Struggling with my inner battles and feeling sorry for myself.  Due to the strong values I was raised with, I did not allow it to push me totally into the ground.

I lost my brother that was four years older than me, and ten years later my mother.

After many years spent in the self-pity pit, I one day realised that it really wasn't helping me at all.  I decided to find a solution.  I read all I could about psychology, in the hope of finding something that would help me to heal and take control of my life.   Nothing helped.

I came upon a book that my father had given me when I was a rebellious teenager, 'The power of positive thinking' by Norman Vincent Peale.   I started reading it.   I found quotes in my diary and started to read them whenever I felt self-piteous.  They allowed me to find the courage and strength I had within.  The self-pity pit became a less frequently visited place for me.  The time that I visited became shorter and shorter.

I started taking control of my life four years ago when I learnt about the law of attraction.  I realised that everything that had happened to me, I had, in some way or another, attracted into my life.  Today I take full responsibility for all that comes into my life.  I look for the lesson and learn from it.  I have never been happier in my entire life, and I continue to become happier every day.

I can do things I never thought possible before.  I have discovered many, many of the talents I possess and continue to grow emotionally and spiritually.  I am doing what I love to do and creating the life of my dreams.  If I can do it, so can you!

Self-pity is a negative emotion and therefore attracts more negative circumstances into one's life.   The first step is to become aware of it.  Much like an alcoholic must realise he or she has a drinking problem, before he or she can do anything about it.  The second step is to be determined to stop yourself and then to do something about it.

A great thing to do is to think about how you benefit from being self-piteous.  People may feel sorry for you and give you sympathy... Does that make you feel empowered, or weak?  Think about what you can do to improve your circumstances, take action.  Once you have done this you will feel empowered that you have overcome one or two, or more obstacles, and you will gain confidence each time.

It helps immensely to look around and notice other people's lives.  They are often so much worse off than we are.  This makes one realise how fortunate one is.   One my favourite quotes was about us all laying our problems down on piles next to each other and then choosing which pile we would like to take.  Most people choose their own pile.  I think it was one of Sir Winston Churchill's quotes.  Doing community service is very beneficial.  It makes you realise how fortunate you are compared to others.  Say thank you, thank you, thank you.

Please feel free to comment or to email me.

My posts are interrelated as are almost all life matters, so please be sure to read all my posts to receive maximum benefit.

Love, light and abundance ♥